Early Australia Airlines

The original flight attendants (Shelia and Shelia)

For many years Australians didn't have cars that could make it around the country so nearly everybody travelled by airplane. Most of the female population got jobs as Flight Attendants which they all liked very much as the job would allow them to serve men and relax on the beaches in their time off.

Decendants of the original flight attendants (Marj, Dor and Shelia)

Many Australian girls today are descended from the original flight attendants who took to the skies to service Australia. If you are a flight attendant and would like a job in Australia then drop in and give it a go.

Evolution - todays flight attendants

Early Australian History 1

In 1770 Captain James Cook led his crew on a search for the Eastern coast of the imagined Southern continent [and]...with the consent of the natives...[took] possession of convenient situations in the country in the name of the King of Great Britain.

Cook did not obey his orders very well. Instead of consulting with the Aboriginal people who inhabited the territory upon which he landed, Cook simply declared the land "terra nullius", or an empty land devoid of a sovereign power.

The British empire declared the land as its own. The first Europeans settled in Australia in 1788, led by Captain Arthur Phillip, to help cure Britain's overcrowding problems by using Australia as a penal colony. The settlers tried to ignore the people who had lived there for over 60,000 years. Since 1788, the continent has become heavily populated by European peoples. The Aborigines who once made up 100% of the population now make up only 1% of it. While the rights of the European settlers have been created, the rights of the Aborigines have been removed.

Before 1788, there were at least 750,000 aborigines living in Australia. Between 1788 and 1850 the English sent over 162,000 convicts to Australia in 806 ships. The first eleven of these ships are today known as the First Fleet and it carried convicts, marines, crewman, officials and children.

By 1806, racism from colonizers and soldiers reached a very high point. Not only were sacred Aboriginal places violated and desecrated, the Aboriginals themselves became hunted like kangaroos for pleasure and fun, like trophy prizes. The soldiers used to visit Aboriginal villages offering gifts, while the real purpose of the visit was to contaminate the village water supply with arsenic. Whole communities including children, elderly, women and men were removed by arsenic poisoning.

Rum, initially imported from England, was freely offered to Villagers. The introduction of rum made many villagers drunk for a whole week until death arrived from alcoholic comas. The English soldiers took advantage of this stage of alcoholism to create wars between friendly villages, leaving them to kill each other.

The Black War refers to a period of conflict between the British colonists and Tasmanian Aborigines in Van Diemen's Land (now Tasmania) in the early years of the 19th century. The conflict has gained a notorious reputation as a genocide resulting in the almost complete obliteration of the Tasmanian Aboriginal population, though there are presently many thousands of individuals descended of Tasmanian Aborigines.

Elle MacPherson is Australian Happy Birthday

Elle at my place

Elle (aged 47 today) is welcome back anytime and is Australia's best export. We actually grow Elle Macphersons all around the country. Many a farmer is up in the wee hours of the morning delivering little Elle's and sending them off to market. The breeding program is supported by teenage males all over the country who, also in the wee small hours of the morning work away unseen to supply the farmers with the necessary ingredients to ensure Australia has an unlimited supply of Elles. So if you are visiting Australia grab an Elle and take her home, remember she is made in Australia by Australians.

Elle with bathing suit on backwards

Russell Crowe to receive star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

LICK THIS !!!

Russ, Russ, Russ, yes finally my best mate Rusty is to get a star on the Hollywood walk of fame for being an overweight, bullying, self important New Zealander. He wasn't always like that. When I knew him he was just bullying and self important, but time has added some weight to the package. Russ has always smoked and would blow his nose on his shirt sleeve and wipe his ass with tissues which he would dispose off in the nearest mail box. Its surprising then that they put him on a stamp considering all the posties in New Zealand would love to have a crack at him.

He has invited me to his next movie opening Robbing Hood, the one in which he wears tights and chases sheep (its a New Zealand thing). Russ always wore tights even at school, many times he would come to school in some pink fancy little number only to have them ripped off by the bigger boys. He was eventually kicked out of New Zealand and came to Australia and changed his name to Russell La Rux. The sheep farmers couldn't find him. Yes he is not Australian and never will be, so when you come to Australia expecting to find him chasing sheep down the main road you may be better going to Hollywood and down to the walk of fame for there you will see little Russes hoof print.

This is Russ when I knew him (taken with me IPhone at the hospital)

Taken just after he arrived in Australia (passport photo)

Goodnight

Its bed time, my latest mag turned up and I'm off to bed to read it

Worlds Biggest Pratt Visits Australia

Sir Dickie Branson has arrived again on our shores and plays with his knob while chasing underage jail bait around the airport. When will we ever learn to keep this Pratt at a reasonable distance. The self promoting rich over the hill excuse for a CE always has to announce what he is up to, as if we care.

My one question is, if so much shit comes out of his mouth where the fuck does it get in ?

Megan Fox Looses Nipples in Australia

A major search is on for a pair of nipples reportedly belonging to Megan Fox.

Search and rescue Australia have pulled out all stops to find them. Ms Fox reported them missing after swimming in a small Australian river near Sydney. A spokesperson close to Ms Fox says she desperate to get them back as soon as possible as she has a potential nip slip moment lined up for this evening.

About 3,000 men from nearby Sydney suburb of grope have volunteered to assist the 2,000 search and rescue personnel who have forgone holidays to help in the search. Anybody seeing Ms Fox's nipples should forward them to me personally and I shall see that they are returned. According to Ms Fox they were last seen on her chest and the right one looks very similar to the left.

Worlds Largest Fish found in Perth WA

Fishing or Swimming ?

Many times I have gone for a swim off the beaches in WA (Perth) and sensed that something big was in the water.

Besides my own big fish there appears to be another one lurking in the blue waters. So come to Australia and go swimming with the fish, most Australians love swimming and now you know why. I tried to catch this one with my rod but just pulled out the old IPhone and got these snaps.

Australian Fashion Week

When coming to Australia one must abide with the local fashion.

There are many dresses and themes which you will need to adhere to especially as the weather is hot and no one really gives a shit about how they look. But when fashion week comes around everybody in Australia lines up to see the latest must have fashion.

Within a week reproductions are everywhere and no discerning woman would be seen dead in anything else. Bokes on the other hand are more interested in where the buttons or zips are and take a more practical perspective on Australian fashion.

The bee keeper

The Rabbit

The stained glass window

popular at Australian churches

The Toilet Brush

No Fucking Flies on Me

The dead koala

The Blue Loo

This is my favourite which I have been wearing for some time now its called the

"wankers relief"

Where to stay in Perth

Hotels can be hard to find in Perth especially a good one.

This hotel has rooms for $20 a night airconditioning is free and the so is the garden tour. I only managed to stay a week as the nights got a bit cold and I lost my shoes on the garden walk. The pool on the other hand was great.

Welcome to Perth's wildest wedding day

I'm in Perth to attend a wedding and all hell breaks loose. Here is the newspaper writeup of the event. I have also enclosed one of the wedding photos caught on my IPhone (handy little thing) .

A Perth man glassed by his brother at his son's wedding reception, sparking an all-in brawl, has been awarded $20,000 compensation for his injuries.

In what may well be Perth's wildest wedding, Wembley Downs man Richard Head needed 14 stitches after he was smashed in the face with a stein glass in an attack that led to guests throwing chairs at each other and cousins locked in a fist fight.

Younger brother, Willy Head, of Kalgoorlie, was convicted of unlawful wounding over the glassing and ordered to personally pay the compensation.

But Richard Head claims it was his older brother who provoked the fight by earlier assaulting his wife, and says his brother "should be given nothing".

Statements in the Criminal Injuries Compensation Tribunal detail the conflicting versions of events that led to the sibling feud and its bloody conflict at the wedding reception.

Perth Airport

Speaking of Scientology Pilots guess who I ran into at the Perth airport. Vinnie Barbarino !! How does someone like Vinnie get a pilots licence ?

Inflight Movie

Things you should know about plane crashes

At the American Psychological Association’s annual convention in 1999, researchers from Virginia’s Old Dominion University presented some unique findings:

Surviving a plane crash is good for you (no fucking shit)

I suppose not surviving a plane crash is bad for you.

Planes routinely crash by running out of fuel (again - no fucking shit)

Yes my car stops for the same reason.

Survival rates improve when the pilot ditches (trying to save his own ass)

If the pilot can save himself its a good chance you will survive as well.

There is a 0.00001 per cent chance your plane will crash (article written by airline)

The whole study was funded by the airline business. Next we will be hearing about the good food airlines serve !

Ossie Air to Perth

Yes flying Ossie Air again.

I asked one of the hosties to pose for a photo and you guessed it - she did. Apparently she was testing the door to make sure it didn't open "pre flight check" it is called, although this picture was taken at 35,000 feet the pre flight check seemed a bit late. Anyway what else is there to do in economy ?

Will George Michael Ever Leave Sydney?

Will the bastard ever leave ?

George has been eating our food, drinking our booze and now dipping his wick in Sydney. Public toilets have been cleaned in anticipation as cops spend most nights circling them in cars hoping to get Georges autograph and photo. Sydney is abuzz with rumours that George intends to move to the city and setup house.

I have decided to leave Sydney as I keep running into the bastard, I was out fishing when you guessed it his boat went past. I only managed to get 3 photos looking at the last one I don't think I wanted any more anyway!!!!!